the Truth About Shame

No “good” Christian wants to admit that they go through seasons where they feel distant from the Lord. We don’t want to admit that when we sit down to pray, or read our bibles...we flat line. We don’t want to admit that we can’t bare to get up to go to church in the morning. Or that if we do go to church, we prefer to show up late and leave early so that we don’t have to talk to anyone and fake how excited we are about what God is doing in our lives. What makes it even worse is that a few months ago we were excited, down right thrilled, to do all of those things. But now, talking to God feels like talking to a wall. We feel distant and forgotten…

Is God nearer some seasons, and farther away in others?

That can’t be true, because the bible says he lives inside of us.

Deuteronomy 31:6 “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; "He will never leave you nor forsake you."

Matthew 28:20 “And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age."

Galatians 2:20  “I am crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but it is Christ who lives in me”

1 Corinthians 6:19 “Don't you realize that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God?”

Then why, why do we feel so far away sometimes?

Sometimes, it is a result of shame.

Shame always separates. Think of Adam and Eve in the garden. When they realized they were naked….they were ashamed, and they hid. What is scary is that you can spend time reading the bible and praying, and at the very same time be hiding from God. You think you trying to connect with God, but what you’re actually doing is trying to distract him, and superficially appease him. God is not delighted with you just because you woke up an hour early to pray. Religious activities do not please God.

“For you will not delight in sacrifice [religious activity], or I would give it; you will not be pleased with a burnt offering [religious activity]. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.”(Psalm 51:16-17).

Do you see the battle between right actions, and a right heart? This has been the battle since God encountered Abraham. It is the battle from Old Testament, to New Testament.  The belief that God was more pleased with right rule following [or right religious activity], instead of a right heart.

It’s funny. I never really liked reading that verse. You read it and think, ‘great God wants me to be sad and broken all my life, I have a lot to look forward to’. I had a hard believing God wants a bunch of sad followers.

So I wanted to know exactly what the words ‘broken and contrite’ mean in the Greek. The Greek word that is used to describe the broken heart, implies it being broken down, shattered into pieces.

As soon as I read “shattered into pieces’ the Lord showed me a picture of big red heart. All of a sudden he took a hammer and smashed it. When the heart broke open, I could see all these colors coming out, blue, purple, yellow, green, none of which I was able to see before. The heart laid in pieces on the ground, and I could see all of it.

You see the image the Lord is trying to display is of a hard heart being opened, completely exposed, nothing hidden. He wants an open, honest, humble heart. He can only breathe life on an exposed heart.  He doesn’t want you to hide behind the wall of religious activity. He didn’t want Adam and Eve to hide. Imagine how heart breaking it was for God to realize the people he created for himself were hiding from him. When Adam and Eve wanted to hide, God’s desire was to be one with them. So he sent Jesus to die on the cross, and raised him from the dead so that you didn’t have to hide from him anymore.

Yet shame, sends us running to get behind the wall of right actions. We don’t want to interact with God in an honest, open way because we think he would be disappointed in what he saw.

The real truth about shame, is that shame stems from a lie. Guilt says I did something bad. Shame says I am bad. And to think that you are bad, that is a lie. You are not bad. You are redeemed. You are not a mistake. You are chosen. You are not impure, dirty, or unworthy; you are pure, spotless, and worthy of a King to lay down his life for you.

Shame threatens to destroy your very identity with a lie.

When shame causes us to run into hiding…we carry that lie with us. We think we are protecting ourselves from God’s disappointment, but were actually protecting a lie attached to us that is destroying us.

How do you combat shame? You expose the hidden pieces. You do the very thing God says he delights in. It’s funny, right? That the thing God delights in…actually brings you healing.
Think about it like this: If you had a blood clot in your heart, you would have to let the doctor open up your chest in order to heal you. If you refused to open up, guess what, you would never experience healing. 

You might need to do that with God. Or you might need to do it with someone you trust. The bible talks a lot about confession, and how you should confess.  

“Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.” James 5:16

Confession can only come from an open heart. And only an open heart can be healed. You don’t confess because the other person has the key to forgiveness, or because you think that person has right standing with God. You confess because as you open your heart to someone else, you are opening it to God. And God will speak life to you through that person. Confessing to people, will show you:

 1. You are not alone. We can confess to God and still leave that conversation thinking we are the only person going through that thing. I once read in a Jenny Allen book that, ‘To think your story is your own is a mistake.’ I promise there is someone out there who can relate to you. There is someone out there who thinks they are alone in what they are going through, and when you confess, you actually minister to that person.

 2. You are loved. You will never feel really loved, unless you are fully known. Because to be fully known, and still loved, is what it is to be fully loved. [Timothy Keller]

It’s hard to confess if you don’t think there is any grace for you. For some reason we give more grace to unbelievers than we give to believers. We get this mindset that says “they should know better” or “I should know better”. Sometimes we think were only allotted a certain amount of grace per sin. The first time we mess up, we are like “God I need grace here, thank you for grace.” But the next time we mess up were like, well I used up all of God’s grace the last time I sinned, so there is no grace for me here. I need to feel really bad, and punish myself so that God will forgive me.

Grace does not stop when you accept Jesus. In fact the Greek word used for grace implies that grace actually sustains you.

Grace mean “the merciful kindness by which God, exerting his holy influence upon souls, turns them to Christ, KEEPS, STRENGTHENS, INCREASES them in Christian faith, knowledge, affection, and kindles them to the exercise of the Christian virtues.”  Thayers Greek Lexicon

It is just like Paul said!

“What shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase? By no means!”- Romans 6:1-2
The definition shows that the experience of grace actually empowers us to live out the Christian exercises.

Some of you are wondering, but can’t I just confess to God. Can’t he just do that for me?

Can a man make a baby alone? No.

What is my point? God, at our very core, designed us to need each other. He created man to need woman, children to need parents, friends to need friends. At our most basic purpose, to reproduce, God paints a picture that fruitfulness comes from relationship. That relationship births life.

When I wanted to break up with an ex-boyfriend, I started to see a counselor. I had tried making changes in my life by myself and I realized it wasn’t working, I needed other people. After a few months I did break up with him. I remember sitting her office and telling her, “Okay, I need us to figure out everything that’s wrong with me that made me make such unhealthy choices in my last relationship, so when I meet the guy I am supposed to marry I will be fixed and capable of a healthy relationship. My counselor gave me this look, her eyes full of pity for my naivety and she said, “Well Mikela, there are some things that can only be worked out IN relationship.”

Hurts that have happened in relationships, have to be healed in relationships. Don’t blame me, that’s the way God designed it. He is the redeemer. And he redeems the hurt that have happened in relationships through relationships. It’s actually a beautiful thing that he lets us experience healing with and through one another. He wants to give you a tangible picture of what he is doing in the supernatural.

We don’t really understand the magnitude of his grace and his love for us, until we experience grace and love from someone we didn’t expect.

Several years ago, my best friend Hannah and I were sitting in her car. I had been hiding a lot of stuff about my relationship from her (this was the same guy I would eventually go to counseling and break up with). I had made a lot of bad decisions and I was so ashamed of them. I was ashamed because I loved God when I made the bad decisions. I couldn’t use the excuse, I didn’t know…. I knew. I looked up to Hannah so much and I was so scared she would be disappointed in me. But I was so tired of hiding, so I just started confessing to her all the things that were going on. I cried, confessed, cried more. And she just hugged me. She said she loved me. She told me it was okay. I cried more.

If she, someone who I thought for sure would be disappointed in me, could keep loving me, how much more was God’s love for me. And just like that, the walls I hid behind in shame came crumbling down. All my pieces were exposed…but God breathed on those pieces. And he will breathe on your pieces. You just have to let him.